Wild Eyes
by Otomefeels
Summary: After four years, Inquisitor Aya Lavellan and Anders paths cross yet again, but where some things have changed, others haven't.


So, I've been working on this Anders thing for a while… it turned out to be a bit more challenging than I thought. I've been staring at it for a while, and I hope that there aren't any major mistakes. I've read it over and over, and I cannot see them. So, yeah, here goes nothing ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Aya is my DA Inquisition OC, and you can read more about her here.

 _Then you smiled over your shoulder  
For a minute I was stone-cold sober  
I pulled you closer to my chest  
And you asked me to stay over  
I said, I already told you  
I think that you should get some rest_

 _I knew I loved you then_  
 _But you'd never know_  
 _'Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go_  
 _I knew I needed you_  
 _But I never showed_  
 _But I wanna stay with you_  
 _Until we're grey and old_  
 _Just say you won't let go_  
 _Just say you won't let go_

– Say you won't let go (James Arthur)

* * *

''Inquisitor, someone is requesting your audience at the gates,'' Josephine called from the stairs.

Aya looked away from her book, glancing down at Josephine from her position on the sofa. From her position, she could just about make eye contact with her diplomat as she peeked down from above.

''Who is it this time?'' Aya asked, mildly annoyed that her rare free time was being disturbed once more.

''I-uh, I'm not sure. He refuses to give us his name or tell us why he's here. He says he'll only speak to you,'' Josephine explained. She didn't sound very happy with the situation.

Aya, on the other hand, was quite interested in who this stranger was. She was up on her feet in no time, leaving her book behind with a piece of paper left in-between two pages. Josephine was already smiling at Aya as she came down the stairs.

''Someone looks a little excited,'' Josephine commented.

''Well,'' Aya grinned as she passed her, ''whoever he is, he's interrupting my reading time, so he better be worth it.''

The diplomat followed the blonde, elven woman down the rest of the stairs and through the main hall. The rain was still pouring down outside, but after traveling the Storm Coast for a week, it didn't really bother Aya. Truthfully, it reminded her of the rainy days she would spend with her clan, but she was trying not to think too much about those.

''Josephine, if you want to stay inside, I don't mind.'' Aya hummed while shooting Josephine a glance as they walked. She knew the diplomat wasn't much for the rain.

''Thank you very much, Inquisitor. I would very much like to avoid this horrible weather,'' she admitted with a very relieved smile. ''If you'll excuse me then.''

Aya watched as Josephine disappeared into her office. Really, if it hadn't been for her, Aya would have been in trouble on more than one occasion, so she wanted to pay her back in whichever ways she could. Besides, she felt confident enough to greed to stranger by herself. It wasn't like she was still new to this, not like she had been at first, at least.

She stepped outside and into the rain, the heavy drops quickly leaving their marks on her clothes. By the time she had reached the bottom of the stairs, her shoulders were already soaked through and her hair was in the same state.

The rain seemed to keep everyone inside. Except for the soldiers on duty, the courtyard was empty, with only a few soldiers patrolling through it. The stranger had apparently not been interesting enough for people to defy the weather, but it suited her just fine. Except for the rain, it was actually quiet during the daytime for once.

Four people stood at the gates as Aya approached. Three of them were guards, and the last was the stranger. His hair and most of his face were hidden by the hood of his cloak. The staff he was holding was definitively more than just a walking stick, but besides that, nothing else could be used to draw any conclusions, not with the cloak hiding so much of him. Gradually, as she got closer, it became easier and easier to see parts of his face.

''… I'm telling you, I mean no harm! I just seek an audience with the Inquisitor,'' the stranger spoke. His tone was annoyed and impatient.

''And what do you wish to discuss with me?'' Aya asked as she stood behind them. The heavy rain had masked her already faint footsteps, leaving the group to turn around rather quickly.

''Inquisitor!'' One of the guards nearly yelled, immediately drawing her attention to him. ''This man refuses to tell us anything. He only says that-''

''Aya?'' The stranger spoke her name and effectively interrupted the speaking guard.

His voice was suddenly familiar when the tone in it changed, and her eyes flew to him in surprise. It couldn't possibly be him, and yet, when she looked at him and their eyes met, there wasn't room for any doubt whatsoever. The pair of light brown eyes that she never thought she would see again was currently looking at her with a strange softness but also surprise.

Anders.

The last time she had seen him was four years ago somewhere in the Planasene Forest. A mage on the run, wounded and too exhausted to properly mend it, she had done everything she could to help him even though contact with humans was strictly forbidden in her clan. Whenever she had had the chance, she had snuck away, bringing the fugitive food and herbs to help him recuperate, but just like her clan had to move on, so did he. By then, Aya hadn't been sure what they were, really. Their encounter had been random, their paths crossing were purely accidental, really, but even so, meeting him had changed her.

With his departure, he had left the gates to the outside world open, and even if it was just by a small gap, it sparked her curiosity. From the second he had left her field of view, she wanted to hear more of his stories, experience more of his personality, and, frankly, just have more time with him, but none of those had been a possibility.

Yet, there he was.

Her mind raced as she moved. Pushing past the guards and running the short distance, she threw her arms around his neck and crushed herself against him. Although he caught his breath because of the sudden embrace, he caught her easily and moved his arms around her in a tight hold. No words could convey how she was feeling, mostly because she wasn't sure herself, but seeing him again and hearing his faint chuckle in her ear was the most comforting things she had had throughout this whole ordeal.

For a moment, she pressed close to him, ignoring their soaked clothes and the surely strange looks from the guards. While she had never known what had happened to him, the complicated feelings he had left her with always seemed to resurface whenever he entered her thought. Even four years later, the blonde was still making her pulse race and her heartbeat quicken. Then, she remembered the truth that had ripped her to pieces.

''Maker's breath, how is this possible?'' He asked as she pulled back, meeting his eyes.

Her heart jumped to her throat because of the way he looked at her. She felt guilty as if she had done something wrong, but it wasn't a conversation she was interested in having at their current location, so she didn't answer him, only giving him a halfhearted smile. She turned to the guards with a heavy heart.

''If there's any talk about this at all, about this stranger and what just happened, I will personally see to it that you'll regret every single word you spoke of it.'' It was rare for her to have a nearly threatening tone, but if the wrong people heard what had happened, she knew the consequences would be nothing but horrible.

There was a slight hesitation from all three, obviously because they didn't know who was in front of them, but they all nodded after a short moment. Satisfied, and now eager to get out of the rain, Aya started walking after gesturing Anders to follow her.

Four years ago, Anders had mentioned Kirkwall, so once she learned where Varric was from; she had promptly asked him if he knew anyone by the blonde's name. At first, it seemed like a lucky coincidence to her, but as he started to explain how he knew him, who he was, and what he had done, she wasn't smiling anymore.

She knew she would most likely never see him again, and that it would be best to forget about him, but she couldn't. He started taking up more space in her mind again like he had done back when he had left, but it was different this time. She wanted to know why he had done something so… drastic, and what he wanted to gain from it, but no one else than him could provide her with the answers she was looking for.

And now he was back.

The walk to her private quarters was silent. Aya was too busy with her thoughts to even consider talking, and she didn't even look at him before they stood where they could speak freely. Her eyes found him as she leaned against her desk. As she watched him look around the room, her fingers fidgeted with the edge of the desk. She wasn't sure how to express herself.

''Not in my wildest imagination had I imaged that I would see you again, let alone here, '' Anders spoke softly.

With a tired but soft smile, he pulled back his hood and revealed his face. Time hadn't been kind to him. While some of the tiredness in his expression could be cured by proper rest, the rest couldn't. The lines that had been faint before now ran deeper in his skin, and his eyes had lost some of their light and softness, but the passion that had lingered in them back then only seemed more prominent now. His hair was longer and tied up in a messy ponytail, and the stubble on his face would soon be too long to be called that.

Looking at him, she wanted nothing else than drawing him close again and keep him there. She wanted to hide him away, give him a chance of resting and regaining some of that light she had seen in his eyes back then. She wanted to see his smile without it being tired.

She still had feelings for him.

She pressed her lips together as she tried desperately not to wear her emotions on her sleeve, but it wasn't easy.

''And I never thought that I would see you again, either,'' Aya mumbled and looked down.

''And yet,'' he started, shrugging off his soaked cloak, ''you seem to have lost your enthusiasm about it.''

She glanced up at him, but the expression he wore was unreadable. Whatever he was thinking, he wasn't showing it while it felt like he was reading her without any problem. Slowly, she felt herself crumble as their eyes stayed locked like he was forcing her to expose her troubled mind and feelings. After another moment, she drew a quick breath.

''I know what you did…'' She spoke the words that added so much weight to her heart. ''Why… Anders? Why would you-'' She started, her eyes focusing on him again, but he quickly cut her off.

''How did you come to know about my _atrocious_ action?'' He spat out, his voice cold.

''Varric's a part of this.''

''Varric? Of course, it's Varric…'' He scoffed before raising his voice, ''and how much did he tell you about Kirkwall? How much did he tell you about the Chantry, and how it turned a blind eye to all those who were suffering?!''

''Enough to want to know why Anders! Why was blowing up the Chantry and killing all those people necessary?'' She asked, raising her voice as well and stepping closer to him.

He stayed still, his eyes turning hard as he looked at her. ''Because Darktown was suffering and mages were being treated like animals! The Grand Cleric didn't care that Templars were going mad with power, abusing every mage they could get their hands on, and making those who resisted tranquil! There needed to be justice!'' He yelled, anger erupting in his eyes like a mighty fire, fueled by everything unjust in this world.

''You killed innocent people!''

''How ignorant are you to believe that they didn't do the same?! Is capturing mages and locking them in prisons, just to let them rot away in captivity a better fate to you?! Or would you rather have your mind taken away from you?!'' He yelled before closing the distance between them. ''You know the pain of being taken away from your family, but being held like a prisoner with Templars watching your every move is something you'll never know,'' he sneered.

The light was back in his eyes, but it wasn't the same. It was full of a kind of hate that she would never understand, but seeing him like that felt like someone had driven a knife through her chest, straight into her heart.

This wasn't what she wanted.

''You started a war, ''she whispered.

''I did what was necessary to stop the oppression of innocent people!'' He went back to yelling while his eyes kept hers locked.

For a moment, there was a blue flicker in them, like something was right beneath the surface, ready to burst forth, but it was gone just as quickly as it was there, leaving her to wonder if what she had seen was real or not.

''You speak of things you do not know about,'' He commented. The fire in his eyes slowly subdued to a strong flame instead while he kept their eyes locked. ''Had you been anything else than a Dalish, your fate would have been the same as nearly every other mage, but your sheltered upbringing kept you from seeing the injustice all those others experienced… how can you possibly judge me for my actions?''

''Don't-'' She started, her voice thick, but he didn't let her.

''You sought the truth, did you not?'' He raised his voice again, but it was filled with something else than anger. ''Did he tell you all of this, or did he only describe me as some heartless monster?'' He continued.

His voice shook a bit as he spoke, the bitterness dripping off it like venom, but she heard the pain in it, even though he tried to hide it. She closed her eyes when she could feel the tears beginning to appear. She couldn't stand hearing the hurt and the bitterness in his voice. Never had she considered what he had lost in his fight for justice. Even when she didn't agree with his methods, she couldn't just condemn him, not when he mattered so much to her.

''He did, didn't he? I'm this monster that no one wants anything to do with. That's why you suddenly looked so-'' She crashed her lips against his before he could finish his sentence.

Before she had interrupted him, his voice had shaken like he was about to break down, and she couldn't stand hearing him descend into such a state, so she kissed him for multiple reasons.

Truth be told, the kiss wasn't sweet or gentle, it wasn't passionate or breathtaking, and there was no grabbing onto each other like it was the end of the world. It was clumsily initiated by someone who had never kissed anyone else before but still dared to tiptoe and do it anyway. Her first kiss and she spent it on shutting him up before he fell into pieces – if he hadn't already.

''I never have and never will think that you're a monster.'' She whispered, not daring to meet his eyes after what she had just done, so she kept them closed.

She noticed his lack of breathing, which really wasn't making her less nervous, but of all the things he could have done, she really wasn't prepared for him to chuckle. Sure enough, when she opened her eyes to make sure that it wasn't her imagination, he was hiding a small smile behind his hand.

''Honestly, that was probably the worst kiss I've ever had,'' he admitted.

''Are you… are you serious?'' She asked, not sure what to think of his words, but it caused faint warmth to rush to her cheeks.

''If that's how you make people stop talking, you should really practice a bit,'' he hummed, the faint smile having grown a little bit.

''What? Of course not! I've never-'' she started but promptly stopped once she realized things had gotten off track. ''Look, I understand why you did it, but I personally don't think it was the right way to fight back, so I can't… I can't defend your actions, Anders.'' She couldn't look at him as she spoke, so her glance fell down to her feet instead. ''People are still after you for what you've done, and as much as I want to, I can't keep you safe. I'm not powerful enough.''

''Your point is that I cannot stay?'' He asked.

Her following silence was her answer. She couldn't possibly argue her way out of it, not when Varric and Cassandra were there. Not to mention Cullen. Too many people knew his face, and too many others knew who had started the whole thing. Even if those problems weren't so severe, the Inquisition was in no place to do something so drastically, especially not when they were planning to seek help from Starkhaven.

She didn't look at him again before she heard him sigh. If exhaustion hadn't been obvious in his features before, it certainly was now. Finally, he let his guard down, and it wasn't a pretty sight. He looked tired, so, so tired, like the last years on the run had finally caught up with him. She couldn't send him away, not when she felt like she was the only one he had, but it wasn't like they had a lot of options.

When she saw the defeated look in his eyes, she made up her mind.

''I can't hide you here, but I know a place that might work,'' she murmured and moved to her desk, ''the first thing I did when we got here was to have a look around the area. I had a few lookouts help me, and I wrote down all the information we collected on this map.''

Her fingertips ran across the map while her eyes quickly scanned the small but precise writing scattered across it. Anders approached her as she found what she was looking for.

''Here,'' she pointed at a circle located fairly close to Skyhold, ''I found a small cabin not far from the road leading to Skyhold. It's in a small valley, so there wasn't any snow, but it takes about an hour to get there on foot, a lot less if you have a mount.''

''And this place is safe?''

''The only people who use the roads up here are on their way to Skyhold. They should have no reason for moving that far down into the valley. Safe or not, it's just an old hunting cabin, so you really shouldn't-''

''Aya…''

She looked up when he spoke her name. She hadn't realized how close he was before then and her breathing stilled as their eyes met. There was calmness in his, with a hint of curiosity lingering beneath, like he waiting for something. Softness appeared in them as their gazes lingered on each other, making her pulse quicken and blood rise to her cheeks.

''Did you mean it?'' He asked, his tone serious but soft.

She had to swallow before answering. ''The kiss or what I said after?''

''Both.''

She held her breath as his eyes seemed to search hers for an answer. She hesitated. If she told him the truth, would he just take pity on her and leave? After all, he could easily have forgotten all about her until the moment that he saw her again. It wasn't unthinkable, not when so much had happened to him, but she really hoped that it wasn't the case. Still, the words were clumping together in her throat, like they were waiting for her to finally decide what to say.

His eyes wavered as he waited, and she started to picture the disappointment in them when she couldn't give him an answer. Satisfied with her answer or not, she couldn't stand the thought of not speaking her mind, not when she got the chance to actually do it.

''Yes…'' Aya finally answered. As much as she had wanted to, her voice wasn't exactly confident, but at least she didn't sound like a total wreck. Not yet.

Anders was silent for a moment. His eyes fell to her lips while his own parted ever so slightly, as if he was about to speak, but he remained silent. When his eyes met hers again, he moved closer to her while he took a quick breath.

''You would have to be a fool to actually want a man like me,'' he whispered.

''I never claimed I wasn't,'' she breathed as he leaned closer to her.

He stayed still, inches away from her, as if he was giving her another chance to change her mind, but it only made her impatient. Her eyes flickered between his and his lips while her pulse had started drumming in her ears. By the creators, she just wanted to be kissed by him.

''Anders…'' Her voice was just a whisper, but it was enough for him.

Unlike her method from earlier, he moved slow, letting their breaths mingle while his left hand found her hip. Tilting his head to the right, he closed the small gap between them and finally kissed her. It was soft and slow at first, only turning deeper once she seemed more at ease and the tension in her jaw had gone away. The hand on her hip guided her to him, pressing their bodies closer together while his lips kept seeking hers. As his other hand cradled her cheek, she had nothing else in her thoughts but him.

It was like he drew the air straight out from her lungs. Heat rushed to her cheeks while her pulse danced in her ears, but the only thing she could focus on was his lips. Her arms moved up and around his neck, pressing herself against him like she had done out in the rain. She wanted more of him, but a need for air momentarily left both of them breathing heavily while staying close.

''The thought of you has never left my mind, never,'' he whispered, voice soft and vulnerable, as if he was admitting something he had never thought of saying out loud.

She didn't know what to say.

Here he was, the man she had never thought that she would see again, confessing that she had been on his mind since they had parted ways. That, and he had just kissed her. It was overwhelming, and she couldn't stop smiling.

She might be a fool, but she couldn't care less right then…


End file.
